One of his most well-known teachings is the concept of The Four Horsemen: four negative communication patterns that, if left unchecked, can predict relationship breakdown with alarming accuracy.
Here’s a quick guide to what they are—and how to counter them:
- Criticism
This goes beyond a complaint about behavior. It’s an attack on your partner’s character.
Instead of: “You’re so selfish.”
Try: “I feel frustrated when I don’t get help with dinner after a long day.”
- Contempt
Contempt includes sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling—anything that conveys disrespect or disgust. It’s the biggest predictor of relationship failure.
Instead of: “Wow, nice of you to finally show up.”
Try: “I really missed you and was hoping to spend more time together.”
- Defensiveness
When we get defensive, we avoid responsibility and blame others. It escalates conflict.
Instead of: “It’s not my fault, you never told me.”
Try: “You’re right, I should have checked in sooner.”
- Stonewalling
This is when one partner shuts down or withdraws, usually during intense conflict.
Instead of shutting down, try asking for a break: “I need 20 minutes to calm down so I can really hear you.”
The Good News:
All four horsemen have antidotes. If you notice them in your relationship, it’s not too late to change. Explore resources at The Gottman Institute, read one of Dr. Gottman’s bestselling books, or consider therapy with a Gottman-trained professional.
Remember: Small changes in how you speak to and listen to your partner can lead to powerful shifts in your relationship.
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